Looking back on my life, I see that much of its meaning was derived from my gradual transformation from the externally indoctrinated predator (wolf) to the inner-directed protector (sheepdog). The sheepdog has always been my true nature. It is the conditioning of my environment that caused me to drift off course.
I assume as with most who have been raised to be a predator , it all began with the parental verbal as well as physical abuse in my youth. From there came the coercive environment of the educational system and dealing with other predators in the form of teachers as well as classmates. My religious upbringing where I was threatened with the fires of hell into serving a predatory god was also part of the process. Soon I was drawn towards those of my kind whose behavior continued to steer me in the wrong direction.
At a certain point, I could no longer follow this path as it was not my destiny. Due to karmic repercussions experienced because of the aberrant behaviors of my wayward youth as well as conflicts with my peers (other wolves), I became dissatisfied with this way of life. But what predominately occurred during this period of personal turmoil was the beginning of a spiritual quest that continues to this day.
In response to all of this, I chose to leave the region of my birth and live in areas where nature was still abundant and could be more easily accessed rather than remaining within the encroaching commercialized concrete jungle of my hometown. I was also drawn to various “Gurus in the distance” during this time. Although I don’t regret this (or most anything else about my life) as it was all part of my true education, I later became disenchanted with these “Holy men” as maturity brought me to the realization of the kingdom within. It’s not so much that I disagreed with what they had to say–it’s that I felt a growing desire to discover these things for myself.
That doesn’t mean that I’m not continuing to grow due to receiving intelligent information from others at higher levels than myself. One thing that I’ve learned from various sources on alternative sites is that when man does not allow the beauty of the divine feminine the spiritual access to breathe and grow, all that remains is the predatory nature. For it is the divine feminine that provides such qualities as compassion and empathy.
I think of our military today, whose divine feminine nature has been smashed to pieces. Although many of our troops may have started out as a sheepdog (compassionate protector), this cannot continue for long when they blindly obey the orders of wolves. Due to this perversion which always results in such a severe spiritual imbalance, most of our soldiers are nothing more than vicious brutal murderers who take their orders to kill predominately civilians that were never a threat to them until after they invaded their country based on lies.